Sheep and the Belly

Okay, this is good. 3 Posts in one day instead of one every 3 months. Here are some pics of the beautiful long horned sheep we ran into on the way to the Flaming Gorge last weekend. There was a huge wild herd of them and I had never seen such an animal. They look like deer with the face of a muscular lamb. This was a female herd, I am told that the males have enormous horns. Very cool. We also ran into huge herds of cows on the way just wandering in the road... I think it was open range land. I love cows, I think they are so cool. I miss seeing them every day (in Washington), I think there is something very beautiful about a black and white cow in a sparkling green dew covered field early in the morning. Fields in western WA can be almost flourescent green and in contrast to the black and white of the cows, it is very pretty I think. Cows are just so mellow, I want to be chill like that... just enjoying the peace of a pretty field of long grass.
Okay, enought about cows.
Unfortunately, we were too preoccupied to get any pics of our actually fishing trip down the Green River. It is a beautiful place, world renowned for fly fishing. It was my first time fly fishing, lets just say I want to go fishing by myself for a bit before I go with my husband and father in-law again. Having two (fly-fishing enthusiast) guys in your ear telling you what to do every second is not fun or relaxing, you can only be instructed so much before you just need to go do it. I ended up just putting down the fishing rod and trying to enjoy a ride down the river.
River went down with us the first day and stayed with Grandma the second. He did amazingly well on a drift boat with Mama clinging on to him every second for nearly 6 hours. We were impressed. After 6 hours on the river the first day and about 9 the second day, Ms. Prego was officially wasted. I have been spending the better part of the week recuperating.
The next pic is of my belly taken just yesterday. I am about 6 1/2 months preggers with Finn. He is due at Christmas... Christmas never seemed so far away! Most people think I am small (which tends to tick me off, haha), but I am actually quite a bit bigger than I was at this point with either River or Sage.

Preschool Time

So, I am just trying to catch up on the latest River news. River started preschool a couple of weeks ago. It was surprising the big emotions of such simple event. He is not a baby anymore, even though he will forever be my baby. In fact, only Mama is allowed to call him 'my baby' still, not even Papa can get away with calling him such a thing... he is Papa's big boy. Here are some pics of his first day of preschool as well as some of his first art projects he came home with.

River, the next Bono?

So. We want River to pursue anything his little heart desires, but to speak honestly... we would be thrilled if he developed a love for art or music as far as talents/passions go. Well, so far he mostly just digs on trucks, tractors, heavy machinery. He wants to be a "worker" more than anything. It is all good. He really has no interest in art yet and perhaps never will, and that is okay. But we are thrilled that he does seem love music. In fact, I think he might become something of an August Rush... or at least Bono. He can hum the melody of any song after hearing it only once and he loves to watch concerts on t.v.. There is a song by the Gorillas that is called Demon Days (River calls it "to the sun") that he will watch as many times as we will let him. Featured in the song is a really groovy gospel choir with a really cool guy directing it. River likes to think he is the director. He always gets all his instruments out and will copy everything he sees. He directs Kenny and I when to come in with the backround vocals, violin, drums, ect. and is very vocal about correcting us if we play any instrument at the wrong time. He also loves to watch U2 concert videos ("Papa's favorite music") and will watch a whole concert through, mimiking everything Bono does. He even runs to find sunglasses to wear as soon as the show starts. Here are some pics of River being Bono.

Missing Sage

It feels like just yesterday Sage was moving wildly inside me (as always), itching to come out. It feels like just yesterday I was washing and folding Sage's little girl clothes, lining up her her tiny diapers on the changing table, being miserably pregnant and ready for our little girl to be here already... dreaming every night of holding her, and watching her grow with her big brother River. It seems like just yesterday Kenny was talking to her in my belly, telling her we couldn't wait for her to come. It doesn't seem like a whole year has passed since the tragic day she stopped moving inside me, the day she did come... September 7th, 2007.
It has been a surreal week. The anticipation of the one year anniversary has been overwhelming. I have been feeling suprisingly numb a lot of the time, Kenny has been struggling a lot more intensly. Dealing with the still shocking reality that Sage is not here for us to hold, and we wont be able to hold her for the rest of our earthly lives. We have survived for a year without her, but we have so many more years of living without her to endure.
Kenny and I went away for most of the weekend, to try to escape our emotions and the ever-present flashbacks of what we were doing a year ago. We tried to plan some fun things to do, to try and find some peace and quiet in the mountains. It didn't work too well, especially without River. When we picked River up Sunday afternoon I felt like I could breathe again, and didn't want to let go of him. It created a lot of anxiety in me to be so fiercly missing our child we lost and to be away from our living child as well.
As we drove through the mountains Sunday, we picked some wild flowers for Sage along the way. Sage's grave marker was installed just on Friday (after a nightmare of a week of unreal problems getting it here, I won't go into that story). We are thankful that the marker is finally here, in the right place, and feel that it perfectly reflects our tender thoughts of our sweet baby Sage. It is a horrible thing to have to bury your child and so surreal to have to choose a grave marker for your child. But at the end of that process, it is a sweet thing to have a place dedicated to the memory of your baby girl.
A little photo album of Sage: the first from an ultrasound when she was about 32 weeks, next a picture of River and I with Sage in the belly about 4 days before Sage was delivered, a picture of Sage about an hour after delivery, a pic of Sage's grave marker, and lastly... her grave decorated 1 year after her stillbirth.

RIVER GOING ON AN ADVENTURE AND FLEXING HIS STUFF

So, it has been forever... or at least several months in the world wide blogger world. I don't know, writing about myself just seems to take a lot of energy. Life has been rough lately, emotions running rapid and deep. Being pregnant this time around is stripping me bare. I pray constantly and try to visualize all the lovely, peaceful things I so desperately want to be able to envision, but truth of the matter is that it is just plain hard and peace is in short supply for us right now. We are going to the temple tonight, in search of some light. I am scared and discouraged and there are too many words to explain why in this crazy internet world. But... I love my husband and my little boy. They make me smile. River is an astounding little spirit, and I feel so blessed that God gave him to us. He helps us through every day... puts light into our eyes. He asks me about 15 times a day if I am 'pappy' and constantly attacks me with loads of kisses and near-life strangling hugs. He makes me laugh when I didn't think I had it in me. So this post is dedicated to the River, the boy who never stops showing those dimples.

My Man's Day

So. It is Kenny's birthday. I love this man to no end. He knows my soul, and understands. There is not another I can say this about. He is the most respectful, intelligent, kind, interesting, sensitive, funny, strong, creative, beautiful man I know. He is a rare bird, not the normal breed of man. I am not the normal breed of female. We make sense to each other and I feel beyond grateful for this man, that he is mine and I am his. Sometimes I feel he is the only person in the world I can relate to.

Kenny has the most gentle heart. His spirit is so strong, but immensly sensitive as well. We have been married for 4 1/2 years... and have been through so much in that short time. (our long struggle on the path to marriage, the loss of my dear Dad, the unexpected pregnancy of our son, preparing to go to the temple, becoming parents, being sealed, 9 moves, the loss of our daughter)

Our sensitivity and tollerance of each other has become unwavering. We hate not being with each other and are so dependent on one another. When we fight, the whole universe feels amiss and the only thing that matters is making things right.

I want more than anything for his day to be special. This is his first birthday celebration without our daughter. The huge space in his heart that belongs to Sage is so vast and deep and, I know, is too often impossible to navigate around. The past couple of weeks have been rough and I just want so much for Kenny to feel the love amidst the deafening sadness.

I love you my dear man and am so glad that you were born and that we found each other. My world would be lost without you. For the past 6 1/2 months you have made it possible for me to breathe.

Sage

Sage

My beautiful girl

I know that you are with our Father above

and with your Grandpa and Great Grandpas

I know that you are free, a butterfly

I know that eternity is real, that you are not gone from us forever

but these knowings do not stop the ache

The ache in my arms of having to let you go

The ache of my ears wanting to hear you wail

The ache in my throat constantly swallowing burning tears

The ache in my eyes when I see other baby girl smiles

The ache of my hands so wanting to dress you in beautiful colors,

not just pink

The ache of my breasts so full of milk to nourish you

The ache of my legs

walking through life without you

The ache of my heart when I look at your Papa, my greatest love

seeing his soul in such pain, longing for you– his precious daughter

When I look at your sweet brother River

and think how he would have loved and protected you always

Sage

When your strong legs stopped moving inside me

when your sweet heart became still

the pain nearly swallowed me whole

I thought I could not breathe

When I held your body in my arms and kissed your perfect face

I prayed for you to move

Saying goodbye to you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done

We will hold you again one day

and we will be able to look into your eyes

and feel your breath on our face

Until then

We will never stop aching for you

Our beautiful girl

I’ll love you forever, Mama

Maia

Introducing... Maia. I cannot believe we found such a wonderful dog! She is about a year old. House trained, obedient, sweet, affectionate.. she is pretty chill but playful as well. She is clean and hardly sheds which is awesome, seeing as we have the touch of the neat freak in us. She was neglected and mistreated as a pup, but was rescued and has been in a loving foster home for the last couple of months. It feels so nice to adopt an animal, no puppy pimping for us! She is beautiful and we love her. River is a little bit allergic though, mostly just when he touches his face to her.. he breaks out a bit. Any suggestions? They love each other so much and play so well together, we cannot give her up. The rash doesn't seem to bother him too much but we need to find some kind of solution, I don't like seeing my boy with red bumps on his face.

Hello Crazy Bloggers!

Hey Folks, Cammie here... I am just a gal looking to find the love in this world. I am Kenny's woman and River and Sage's mama.
Some random words: I love nature, the landscape around us. I particulary love the landscape of the Pacific Northwest. I love rain, I love green, I love rivers and lakes and mostly, fresh air. Seattle is the home of my soul. I currently live in Utah but look forward to the day I will call Washington my home again.
I love creating... art, writing, a happy home. Music is a passion for me and even though I am not too great at making it, I love listening to it... feeling it. Ani Difranco is the King of my musical world, has been since I was 14 and I think she is a brilliant and beautiful music maker.
My husband is my soul mate in ever sense of the term. He is not into watching sports or playing video games and I am not into makeup, shopping or scrapbooking... we like it this way. We are connected in just about every way and I am blessed.
River is the light of our lives, the happiest boy in the world... he is beautiful and we thank God for him and for each other every day. Our little girl, Sage, was stillborn on September 7, 2007 at 37 1/2 weeks because of a 'cord accident'. This is the devastation of our enire world. Not a second goes by that we do not ache to hold her.
I am a member of the LDS church and love the Gospel of Jesus Christ! I always want to live more like Jesus did... with humility, love, compassion and an open, accepting mind.
I love my family! I have a beautiful Mama, 4 georgeous older sisters and a rockin rad little bro named Grant. My father, Grant, passed away 4 years ago and he was the wisest, oddest and most humble man I've known. I miss him dearly and it is my greatest ambition to live a good life so that I will live with him and my little girl again.
Other than that... I just want to live a simple, peaceful, aware life and do my part to make the world green and clean. I want to hike more and take more bike rides. And Barack Obama better win the Democratic nomination... or else... Canada, here we come. Oh, and I want to surf and learn to play the drums!