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Monday, September 8, 2008

Missing Sage

It feels like just yesterday Sage was moving wildly inside me (as always), itching to come out. It feels like just yesterday I was washing and folding Sage's little girl clothes, lining up her her tiny diapers on the changing table, being miserably pregnant and ready for our little girl to be here already... dreaming every night of holding her, and watching her grow with her big brother River. It seems like just yesterday Kenny was talking to her in my belly, telling her we couldn't wait for her to come. It doesn't seem like a whole year has passed since the tragic day she stopped moving inside me, the day she did come... September 7th, 2007.
It has been a surreal week. The anticipation of the one year anniversary has been overwhelming. I have been feeling suprisingly numb a lot of the time, Kenny has been struggling a lot more intensly. Dealing with the still shocking reality that Sage is not here for us to hold, and we wont be able to hold her for the rest of our earthly lives. We have survived for a year without her, but we have so many more years of living without her to endure.
Kenny and I went away for most of the weekend, to try to escape our emotions and the ever-present flashbacks of what we were doing a year ago. We tried to plan some fun things to do, to try and find some peace and quiet in the mountains. It didn't work too well, especially without River. When we picked River up Sunday afternoon I felt like I could breathe again, and didn't want to let go of him. It created a lot of anxiety in me to be so fiercly missing our child we lost and to be away from our living child as well.
As we drove through the mountains Sunday, we picked some wild flowers for Sage along the way. Sage's grave marker was installed just on Friday (after a nightmare of a week of unreal problems getting it here, I won't go into that story). We are thankful that the marker is finally here, in the right place, and feel that it perfectly reflects our tender thoughts of our sweet baby Sage. It is a horrible thing to have to bury your child and so surreal to have to choose a grave marker for your child. But at the end of that process, it is a sweet thing to have a place dedicated to the memory of your baby girl.
A little photo album of Sage: the first from an ultrasound when she was about 32 weeks, next a picture of River and I with Sage in the belly about 4 days before Sage was delivered, a picture of Sage about an hour after delivery, a pic of Sage's grave marker, and lastly... her grave decorated 1 year after her stillbirth.


Sweetpea said...

Cammie, I knew the anniversary was this week, and I'm sorry I haven't called. We were back in Boston again. But I have been thinking about you especially at this time and sending you our prayers. The grave marker is beautiful.

kanabanana said...

The grave marker is beautiful. I am so glad you have the pictures to remember her by.

Kate said...

What a beautiful and poignant marker! Love you, Aunt K.