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Wednesday, March 26, 2008

My Man's Day

So. It is Kenny's birthday. I love this man to no end. He knows my soul, and understands. There is not another I can say this about. He is the most respectful, intelligent, kind, interesting, sensitive, funny, strong, creative, beautiful man I know. He is a rare bird, not the normal breed of man. I am not the normal breed of female. We make sense to each other and I feel beyond grateful for this man, that he is mine and I am his. Sometimes I feel he is the only person in the world I can relate to.

Kenny has the most gentle heart. His spirit is so strong, but immensly sensitive as well. We have been married for 4 1/2 years... and have been through so much in that short time. (our long struggle on the path to marriage, the loss of my dear Dad, the unexpected pregnancy of our son, preparing to go to the temple, becoming parents, being sealed, 9 moves, the loss of our daughter)

Our sensitivity and tollerance of each other has become unwavering. We hate not being with each other and are so dependent on one another. When we fight, the whole universe feels amiss and the only thing that matters is making things right.

I want more than anything for his day to be special. This is his first birthday celebration without our daughter. The huge space in his heart that belongs to Sage is so vast and deep and, I know, is too often impossible to navigate around. The past couple of weeks have been rough and I just want so much for Kenny to feel the love amidst the deafening sadness.

I love you my dear man and am so glad that you were born and that we found each other. My world would be lost without you. For the past 6 1/2 months you have made it possible for me to breathe.

Monday, March 3, 2008



My beautiful girl

I know that you are with our Father above

and with your Grandpa and Great Grandpas

I know that you are free, a butterfly

I know that eternity is real, that you are not gone from us forever

but these knowings do not stop the ache

The ache in my arms of having to let you go

The ache of my ears wanting to hear you wail

The ache in my throat constantly swallowing burning tears

The ache in my eyes when I see other baby girl smiles

The ache of my hands so wanting to dress you in beautiful colors,

not just pink

The ache of my breasts so full of milk to nourish you

The ache of my legs

walking through life without you

The ache of my heart when I look at your Papa, my greatest love

seeing his soul in such pain, longing for you– his precious daughter

When I look at your sweet brother River

and think how he would have loved and protected you always


When your strong legs stopped moving inside me

when your sweet heart became still

the pain nearly swallowed me whole

I thought I could not breathe

When I held your body in my arms and kissed your perfect face

I prayed for you to move

Saying goodbye to you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done

We will hold you again one day

and we will be able to look into your eyes

and feel your breath on our face

Until then

We will never stop aching for you

Our beautiful girl

I’ll love you forever, Mama


Introducing... Maia. I cannot believe we found such a wonderful dog! She is about a year old. House trained, obedient, sweet, affectionate.. she is pretty chill but playful as well. She is clean and hardly sheds which is awesome, seeing as we have the touch of the neat freak in us. She was neglected and mistreated as a pup, but was rescued and has been in a loving foster home for the last couple of months. It feels so nice to adopt an animal, no puppy pimping for us! She is beautiful and we love her. River is a little bit allergic though, mostly just when he touches his face to her.. he breaks out a bit. Any suggestions? They love each other so much and play so well together, we cannot give her up. The rash doesn't seem to bother him too much but we need to find some kind of solution, I don't like seeing my boy with red bumps on his face.

Hello Crazy Bloggers!

Hey Folks, Cammie here... I am just a gal looking to find the love in this world. I am Kenny's woman and River and Sage's mama.
Some random words: I love nature, the landscape around us. I particulary love the landscape of the Pacific Northwest. I love rain, I love green, I love rivers and lakes and mostly, fresh air. Seattle is the home of my soul. I currently live in Utah but look forward to the day I will call Washington my home again.
I love creating... art, writing, a happy home. Music is a passion for me and even though I am not too great at making it, I love listening to it... feeling it. Ani Difranco is the King of my musical world, has been since I was 14 and I think she is a brilliant and beautiful music maker.
My husband is my soul mate in ever sense of the term. He is not into watching sports or playing video games and I am not into makeup, shopping or scrapbooking... we like it this way. We are connected in just about every way and I am blessed.
River is the light of our lives, the happiest boy in the world... he is beautiful and we thank God for him and for each other every day. Our little girl, Sage, was stillborn on September 7, 2007 at 37 1/2 weeks because of a 'cord accident'. This is the devastation of our enire world. Not a second goes by that we do not ache to hold her.
I am a member of the LDS church and love the Gospel of Jesus Christ! I always want to live more like Jesus did... with humility, love, compassion and an open, accepting mind.
I love my family! I have a beautiful Mama, 4 georgeous older sisters and a rockin rad little bro named Grant. My father, Grant, passed away 4 years ago and he was the wisest, oddest and most humble man I've known. I miss him dearly and it is my greatest ambition to live a good life so that I will live with him and my little girl again.
Other than that... I just want to live a simple, peaceful, aware life and do my part to make the world green and clean. I want to hike more and take more bike rides. And Barack Obama better win the Democratic nomination... or else... Canada, here we come. Oh, and I want to surf and learn to play the drums!