Some picture updates on our oh-so happy boys.
Monday, September 21, 2009
She Would Be 2
September 7, 2009. It has been two years. Our experience with Sage has forever changed us. Losing a child is an indescribable loss. Anticipating the 2nd aniversary was such a tricky experience and something Kenny and I would probably rather have just escaped from completely.
Instead, I really tried to have a different perspective approaching the day... I wanted it to be a celebration. I planned a little memorial at the cemetary and invited Kenny's family... I wanted to say a few words and release some white balloons. I wanted to celebrate Sage and the blessing we have been given of being her parents. I didn't want the day to just be a one to relive the most horrible memories of our life. I have finally come to feel, through the journey of the past 2 years, that I am very blessed to have been chosen to be the mother of such a special spirit.
So, those were my hopes for the day, but when it came down to it... we got to the cemetary and I preceded to get out the little fancy pink cupcake I bought for Sage and started to unwrap the candles and I just became paralyzed. Looking down at that little birthday cupcake, it was like I was in the hospital all over again being told my baby had 'died insided my belly' and holding her perfect little newborn body in my arms... still. I couldn't breathe. I felt as though there was a fiery grip clenching my heart. As tears dripped down onto her little cupcake, Kenny and I held each other. Kenny didn't have the same hopes for the day, he was struggling tremendously and didn't really want to be at the cemetery doing what we were doing but was there to support me and my desire to try and celebrate the day. So we sat in the car and just let it all out for a good 15 minutes before we were able to go and face reality. The reality that she would be two, if she were here.
Oh, how I would personally chop off my legs if it meant I could hold her in my arms for even 10 minutes. I would give anything to see even a glimpse of her. What would she look like, would she have that same crazy-happy disposition her brothers have? Would she be a handful, emotional? Or would she have a peaceful, quiet temperament with eyes only for her Papa, as I often imagine her?
I love you beautiful baby girl.
Big ol' life Experiences!
Okay, so in the past month or so we have had a couple major happenings that have defined our current existence.
First, we finally became proctor parents. To a boy named Johnny, who is 16. Foster parenting is something I have felt (for many years) would be a part of Kenny and I's life, and Kenny has recently come to feel the same (after losing Sage, I think Kenny's heart began opening up to fostering another child in need of a loving home, as there was a vast hole our daughter left in our hearts and home). It finally felt like the right time and we have been training for just about 8 months to become proctor parents. It has been a big change but something we feel really happy about. This feels like a calling to me and Kenny and could potentially be a life calling for us. I could go on talking about this work and all of the reasons for why we are doing it and the need for it but alas, this is why I rarely blog... because I have a chronic habit of being far too wordy. So, I will leave it at that other than to say a few things about Johnny. He is a great kid! We couldn't have been given a better boy to initiate us into the world of foster care. Johnny has made some poor choices in his life that have earned him a special spot in our home but he is a really good human being. We truly believe he wants to change his life and we hope we are having a positive impact on his life and future.
Okay, #2: We adopted a dog. He also is awesome. His name is Arlo. He is a 'schnoodle'. River calls him his 'very special dog who doesn't make me sick', which is to say he is hypoallergenic. He is 5 years old, very sweet and loving, and doesn't shed. He is perfect for our family and home. We love him!
So, I am now the only female in a home of 5 boys!!
Johnny likes to say that he and Arlo are made up of the same stuff... they are both strays.
Dinner in the Mountains.... mmmm
Well, we didn't pull off camping this weekend so we compromised with an evening of tin foil dinners.... which were awesome! And, was pretty proud of the groovy fire I orchestrated for our pickins'. Check out the feast!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Family Pictures
My sister Anna, an awesome photographer, was very kind in taking some family portraits of us while we were in Denver.
Easter/Trip to Denver
We had a great time visiting my sister Anna and her family over the Easter weekend. Not having any of my immediate family close, it was a rejuvenating thing to spend time with my sister. It was nice just chilling and spending time chatting with Anna and Paul and their 4 awesome kiddos. Oh, and, yes we also played Rock Band for the first time. Kenny and I are both pretty opposed to video games, but it was fun. Kenny rocked it, I was pathetic at best. I like to get my groove on and can follow most any beat, but there is something trippy about the structured mechanics of trying to watch a tv screen and follow the lights to keep up with a rythym. When I just relaxed and actually listened to the song was the only time I actually made it through a whole song and didn't fail out completely.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
One Word Tag
1. Your cell phone is: bondage
2. Your significant other is: love
3. Your hair: changing
4. Your mother: worrier
5. Your father: giant
6. Your favorite thing: family
7. Your dream last night: paranoid
8. Your dream goal: northwest
9. Favorite room: bedroom
10. Your hobby: nature
11. Your fear: loss
12. Where you want to be in six years: northwest
13. Where you were last night: enrichment
14. What you're not: dramatic
15. One of your wish list items: green home
16. Where you grew up: Snohomish
17. The last thing you ate: green curry (homemade, thank you very much)
18. What you are wearing: jeans
19. Your TV: progressively more scratched
20. Your pet: future wish
21. Your computer: warranty lapsed, dang
22. Your mood: hopeful
23. Missing someone: Sage, Dad
24. Your car: funky (for a new car at least)
25. Something you're not wearing: makeup
26. Your favorite store: REI
27. Your summer: too hot in Utah
28. Love someone: Always
29. Your favorite color: Green
30. Last time you laughed: yesterday
31. Last time you cried: 2 nights ago
Tagged: anyone who reads this!! Come on, it's fun!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Happy Birthday Dad!!!
Today would be my Papa's 60th birthday... I miss him so much. No one can ever take the place of your Dad. He was the biggest, strongest, wisest person in my life... the one I went to for all of the gospel questions, the car questions, the fix-it questions. It is hard not having him to turn to when those 'Dad questions' arise.
But... I know he is happy and is doing important work that was reserved just for him to do. I am glad that he is not 60 years old on this earth doing the physical labor he did all his life, he has been released. I know that he is holding my little Sage's hand, and that is one of the most comforting images in the world to me.
Love you Dad... forever!!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
My how you can grow!!
Here is a picture of Finn at 1 day old and another of him at 6 weeks old. Our little Buddha babe.
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