She Would Be 2

September 7, 2009. It has been two years. Our experience with Sage has forever changed us. Losing a child is an indescribable loss. Anticipating the 2nd aniversary was such a tricky experience and something Kenny and I would probably rather have just escaped from completely.

Instead, I really tried to have a different perspective approaching the day... I wanted it to be a celebration. I planned a little memorial at the cemetary and invited Kenny's family... I wanted to say a few words and release some white balloons. I wanted to celebrate Sage and the blessing we have been given of being her parents. I didn't want the day to just be a one to relive the most horrible memories of our life. I have finally come to feel, through the journey of the past 2 years, that I am very blessed to have been chosen to be the mother of such a special spirit.

So, those were my hopes for the day, but when it came down to it... we got to the cemetary and I preceded to get out the little fancy pink cupcake I bought for Sage and started to unwrap the candles and I just became paralyzed. Looking down at that little birthday cupcake, it was like I was in the hospital all over again being told my baby had 'died insided my belly' and holding her perfect little newborn body in my arms... still. I couldn't breathe. I felt as though there was a fiery grip clenching my heart. As tears dripped down onto her little cupcake, Kenny and I held each other. Kenny didn't have the same hopes for the day, he was struggling tremendously and didn't really want to be at the cemetery doing what we were doing but was there to support me and my desire to try and celebrate the day. So we sat in the car and just let it all out for a good 15 minutes before we were able to go and face reality. The reality that she would be two, if she were here.

Oh, how I would personally chop off my legs if it meant I could hold her in my arms for even 10 minutes. I would give anything to see even a glimpse of her. What would she look like, would she have that same crazy-happy disposition her brothers have? Would she be a handful, emotional? Or would she have a peaceful, quiet temperament with eyes only for her Papa, as I often imagine her?

I love you beautiful baby girl.