Mama and Papa's Boys

Life is Abundant!

2010-03-30T23:11:00.001-07:00

We still love it here and I have too many pictures to post. We have been enjoying the bounty of this beautiful land. We have been up to Seattle (visiting my sister and my awesome nieces and nephews, whom I have not seen in years!) twice the past month and have been enjoying countless rides, excursions and park days. We also purchased ourselves a membership to OMSI, which we have put to great use so far and have discovered to be a truly enriching place for the whole family. We have been there several times and I don't think we have explored the whole place yet.
Kenny had a stellar birthday I think. I love this man deeply! He continues to be 'my person'. My favorite person! He teaches me everyday. My visiting teacher told me today that her husband really admires Kenny, that there is just 'something about him, a light' that is special. I have felt that since the night we met over 9 years ago and continue to be impressed by him just about everyday. I am so thankful that God led Kenny to that New Years Eve party in Berkeley that he just happened to hear about earlier in the day from a friend of a friend when he was on a short roadtrip to San Fransciso and that I chose to attend the hip Berkeley institute instead of one closer to Pleasanton, CA where I lived for a short time, and that he gave Kenny the gumption to strike up a conversation with me towards the end of the night and then ask for my email and then proceed to actually follow through and write to me when he returned home to Utah. God definitely knows what up I think. Kenny and I were certainly meant to be.
Anyways, enough of that Kenny gush. The man wanted to go to the coast for his birthday so thats what we did and we seriously lucked out with the weather. The coast is always colder and windier than Portland but it was a perfect beach day and the boys played their hearts out. Finn just went sand ballistic (it will be so great when he develops a distaste for eating sand and dirt, tell you what).
It has been amazing to watch the spring green emerge. It was already so green and now it seems almost florescent here! I love spring and I love that spring and fall are typically the longest seasons in the Northwest.
So, I was recently called to be a teacher in Relief Society which I am stoked about. This has probably been my favorite calling in the past. I love being a gospel instructor because it has it's ways of keeping you focused in the gospel and making it a necessity to be worthy of the spirit's constant influence in your life.
I am happy, life is abundant and beautiful and I have everything I need surrounding me everyday. The love my three boys freely give me everyday has me second guessing any complaint or negativity that threatens to enter my mind or leave my mouth. I have a tremendous life! And I want to spread the happy vibes out there to all the groovy people in my life that are so deserving of all the good stuff!
I have been noticing this bumper sticker around these parts and it has become my new motto: "Wag more, bark less''.
There has become such a decreased desire in my heart to give energy to the things in my life or in my surroundings or simply in the world that I don't like or that I am unhappy with. I am becoming more convinced all the time that when you focus on what's right, more and more just keeps on being right in the world and in life.

Silly Park Boys

2010-02-24T08:41:00.000-08:00

Trees to Climb!

2010-02-24T02:45:00.000-08:00

Trees, trees and more trees! Finn even likes to eat them!

Dreams becoming Reality!

2010-02-24T02:10:00.000-08:00

So we finally did it... we finally made the move. To the Northwest, we are home! (Although we certainly are missing and will continue to miss the Denton clan.) We moved at the beginning of February and we have been enjoying the fresh air. The grass is glowing green and the moss is alive and kicking here. I love it! I feel so alive... the air, the energy, the groovy people, the land, the environment... it all just flows in harmony with my inner ticking's, I think. We have a stellar view of Mt. Hood from our driveway (check out the pic) and an even more stellar view of Hood as well as the Willamette River and Mt. St. Helens at the top of the street (again, check out the photos!). In the last month we have enjoyed nearly daily car rides, walks and bike rides and feel like there are endless new country roads and lakes around the bend to explore... the beauty blows me away every day, even just on short trips to the market. I feel so blessed and am so looking forward to my boys being raised the natural splendor that I so thoroughly enjoyed and explored growing up (ferns growing plentifully on rooftops, anyone?). I could go on for days talking about this place. We have enjoyed many days of rain, but I will say, many more days of cloudless sunny skies. It has been oddly sunny and warm for this time of year in these parts and I have found myself missing the rain after 6 days of sun (not that I don't love the sun, but I love myself some emotion in the sky as well as the lovely mist and amazing moisturised air rain always bring (not to mention the GREEN, of course). There are not too many things that beat the sun coming out after a good rain. Everything just glistens.
We live in a cute cottage-esque house in a Douglas fir forest with ivy and ferns and moss abounding. We live in Lake Oswego, just 15 minutes or so from downtown Portland. We have the Oregon coast 1 1/2 hrs to the west, Mt Hood 1 hr to the east, the Columbia Gorge 45 minutes or so to the NE, Seattle due north, and recreation just about every which way you look.

Now we are just waiting for family and friends to come a knocking, doors always open (figuratively speaking about the door, we do actually have a habit of locking it)!!

Boys

2009-09-21T10:38:00.000-07:00

Some picture updates on our oh-so happy boys.

She Would Be 2

2009-09-21T09:50:00.000-07:00

September 7, 2009. It has been two years. Our experience with Sage has forever changed us. Losing a child is an indescribable loss. Anticipating the 2nd aniversary was such a tricky experience and something Kenny and I would probably rather have just escaped from completely.

Instead, I really tried to have a different perspective approaching the day... I wanted it to be a celebration. I planned a little memorial at the cemetary and invited Kenny's family... I wanted to say a few words and release some white balloons. I wanted to celebrate Sage and the blessing we have been given of being her parents. I didn't want the day to just be a one to relive the most horrible memories of our life. I have finally come to feel, through the journey of the past 2 years, that I am very blessed to have been chosen to be the mother of such a special spirit.

So, those were my hopes for the day, but when it came down to it... we got to the cemetary and I preceded to get out the little fancy pink cupcake I bought for Sage and started to unwrap the candles and I just became paralyzed. Looking down at that little birthday cupcake, it was like I was in the hospital all over again being told my baby had 'died insided my belly' and holding her perfect little newborn body in my arms... still. I couldn't breathe. I felt as though there was a fiery grip clenching my heart. As tears dripped down onto her little cupcake, Kenny and I held each other. Kenny didn't have the same hopes for the day, he was struggling tremendously and didn't really want to be at the cemetery doing what we were doing but was there to support me and my desire to try and celebrate the day. So we sat in the car and just let it all out for a good 15 minutes before we were able to go and face reality. The reality that she would be two, if she were here.

Oh, how I would personally chop off my legs if it meant I could hold her in my arms for even 10 minutes. I would give anything to see even a glimpse of her. What would she look like, would she have that same crazy-happy disposition her brothers have? Would she be a handful, emotional? Or would she have a peaceful, quiet temperament with eyes only for her Papa, as I often imagine her?

I love you beautiful baby girl.

Big ol' life Experiences!

2009-09-21T09:08:00.000-07:00

Okay, so in the past month or so we have had a couple major happenings that have defined our current existence.

First, we finally became proctor parents. To a boy named Johnny, who is 16. Foster parenting is something I have felt (for many years) would be a part of Kenny and I's life, and Kenny has recently come to feel the same (after losing Sage, I think Kenny's heart began opening up to fostering another child in need of a loving home, as there was a vast hole our daughter left in our hearts and home). It finally felt like the right time and we have been training for just about 8 months to become proctor parents. It has been a big change but something we feel really happy about. This feels like a calling to me and Kenny and could potentially be a life calling for us. I could go on talking about this work and all of the reasons for why we are doing it and the need for it but alas, this is why I rarely blog... because I have a chronic habit of being far too wordy. So, I will leave it at that other than to say a few things about Johnny. He is a great kid! We couldn't have been given a better boy to initiate us into the world of foster care. Johnny has made some poor choices in his life that have earned him a special spot in our home but he is a really good human being. We truly believe he wants to change his life and we hope we are having a positive impact on his life and future.

Okay, #2: We adopted a dog. He also is awesome. His name is Arlo. He is a 'schnoodle'. River calls him his 'very special dog who doesn't make me sick', which is to say he is hypoallergenic. He is 5 years old, very sweet and loving, and doesn't shed. He is perfect for our family and home. We love him!

So, I am now the only female in a home of 5 boys!!

Johnny likes to say that he and Arlo are made up of the same stuff... they are both strays.

Dinner in the Mountains.... mmmm

2009-09-21T08:57:00.000-07:00

Well, we didn't pull off camping this weekend so we compromised with an evening of tin foil dinners.... which were awesome! And, was pretty proud of the groovy fire I orchestrated for our pickins'. Check out the feast!

Family Pictures

2009-04-27T12:50:00.001-07:00

My sister Anna, an awesome photographer, was very kind in taking some family portraits of us while we were in Denver.

More Easter Pictures

2009-04-27T12:44:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, or do all 'Easter Bunnies' look mildly demented?

Easter/Trip to Denver

2009-04-27T12:16:00.000-07:00

We had a great time visiting my sister Anna and her family over the Easter weekend. Not having any of my immediate family close, it was a rejuvenating thing to spend time with my sister. It was nice just chilling and spending time chatting with Anna and Paul and their 4 awesome kiddos. Oh, and, yes we also played Rock Band for the first time. Kenny and I are both pretty opposed to video games, but it was fun. Kenny rocked it, I was pathetic at best. I like to get my groove on and can follow most any beat, but there is something trippy about the structured mechanics of trying to watch a tv screen and follow the lights to keep up with a rythym. When I just relaxed and actually listened to the song was the only time I actually made it through a whole song and didn't fail out completely.

One Word Tag

2009-03-25T10:13:00.000-07:00

1. Your cell phone is: bondage
2. Your significant other is: love
3. Your hair: changing
4. Your mother: worrier
5. Your father: giant
6. Your favorite thing: family
7. Your dream last night: paranoid
8. Your dream goal: northwest
9. Favorite room: bedroom
10. Your hobby: nature
11. Your fear: loss
12. Where you want to be in six years: northwest
13. Where you were last night: enrichment
14. What you're not: dramatic
15. One of your wish list items: green home
16. Where you grew up: Snohomish
17. The last thing you ate: green curry (homemade, thank you very much)
18. What you are wearing: jeans
19. Your TV: progressively more scratched
20. Your pet: future wish
21. Your computer: warranty lapsed, dang
22. Your mood: hopeful
23. Missing someone: Sage, Dad
24. Your car: funky (for a new car at least)
25. Something you're not wearing: makeup
26. Your favorite store: REI
27. Your summer: too hot in Utah
28. Love someone: Always
29. Your favorite color: Green
30. Last time you laughed: yesterday
31. Last time you cried: 2 nights ago

Tagged: anyone who reads this!! Come on, it's fun!

Happy Birthday Dad!!!

2009-03-19T08:12:00.000-07:00

Today would be my Papa's 60th birthday... I miss him so much. No one can ever take the place of your Dad. He was the biggest, strongest, wisest person in my life... the one I went to for all of the gospel questions, the car questions, the fix-it questions. It is hard not having him to turn to when those 'Dad questions' arise.
But... I know he is happy and is doing important work that was reserved just for him to do. I am glad that he is not 60 years old on this earth doing the physical labor he did all his life, he has been released. I know that he is holding my little Sage's hand, and that is one of the most comforting images in the world to me.
Love you Dad... forever!!

LOVE, love, Love

2009-02-17T14:07:00.001-08:00

All you need is love....

Family Pictures

2009-02-17T13:49:00.000-08:00

Family photos taken on Finn's blessing day.

Finn's Blessing Day

2009-02-17T13:38:00.000-08:00

February 1st, 2009

My how you can grow!!

2009-02-17T13:28:00.000-08:00

Here is a picture of Finn at 1 day old and another of him at 6 weeks old. Our little Buddha babe.

More pictures of Finn

2009-02-17T10:50:00.001-08:00

The blessed arrival of Finnias Sky (a little late!)

2009-02-17T10:28:00.000-08:00

So, it is a long time coming... but our beautiful baby Finn finally arrived on December 29th, 2008 (one week past his due date). He came big... weighing in at 9lbs 8oz and 21 inches long. After over a month of pre-term labor, our midwife Holly agreed to come and break my water, which was the final kicker after trying just about everything to get him here (except being medically induced). He was born just 2 hours and 15 minutes after my water broke. It was a very intense and fast labor (although it felt quite long!!). Holly says that when people ask me how long the birthing lasted, we can either say 1 month or 2 hours!

We feel so happy and blessed to have been able to have the home birth that we so desired (for a while towards the end we thought we may have to be transferred to the hospital because he just wasn't wanting to come on his own). The birth was as peaceful and beautiful as we had hoped it would be. Finn was born in a blow-up tub in the exact place where his bed now sits. We think it is pretty cool that he now sleeps in the same place where he made his entrance into this world.

We are thankful to our wonderful and wise midwife Holly who worked expertly to guide Finn's very large shoulders out of me body. That was fun... not!!! Holly is a very chill lady who knows exactly when to whip into action when the situation calls for it! Our kind of midwife!

Finn is such an incredible little spirit. We call him our 'zen baby'. He was born happy just like his big brother, River. I swear that he has been smiling since the day he was born... gas, shmass. As for the little River, he is a wonderful big brother... so loving and kind with Finn. Finn is his "nice brother baby".

We are just so thankful to have Finn here, live and healthy. Two healthy, sweet, loving, cuddly boys... life couldn't be more blessed!!!

Sheep and the Belly

2008-09-19T09:49:00.002-07:00

Okay, this is good. 3 Posts in one day instead of one every 3 months. Here are some pics of the beautiful long horned sheep we ran into on the way to the Flaming Gorge last weekend. There was a huge wild herd of them and I had never seen such an animal. They look like deer with the face of a muscular lamb. This was a female herd, I am told that the males have enormous horns. Very cool. We also ran into huge herds of cows on the way just wandering in the road... I think it was open range land. I love cows, I think they are so cool. I miss seeing them every day (in Washington), I think there is something very beautiful about a black and white cow in a sparkling green dew covered field early in the morning. Fields in western WA can be almost flourescent green and in contrast to the black and white of the cows, it is very pretty I think. Cows are just so mellow, I want to be chill like that... just enjoying the peace of a pretty field of long grass.
Okay, enought about cows.
Unfortunately, we were too preoccupied to get any pics of our actually fishing trip down the Green River. It is a beautiful place, world renowned for fly fishing. It was my first time fly fishing, lets just say I want to go fishing by myself for a bit before I go with my husband and father in-law again. Having two (fly-fishing enthusiast) guys in your ear telling you what to do every second is not fun or relaxing, you can only be instructed so much before you just need to go do it. I ended up just putting down the fishing rod and trying to enjoy a ride down the river.
River went down with us the first day and stayed with Grandma the second. He did amazingly well on a drift boat with Mama clinging on to him every second for nearly 6 hours. We were impressed. After 6 hours on the river the first day and about 9 the second day, Ms. Prego was officially wasted. I have been spending the better part of the week recuperating.
The next pic is of my belly taken just yesterday. I am about 6 1/2 months preggers with Finn. He is due at Christmas... Christmas never seemed so far away! Most people think I am small (which tends to tick me off, haha), but I am actually quite a bit bigger than I was at this point with either River or Sage.

Preschool Time

2008-09-19T09:49:00.001-07:00

So, I am just trying to catch up on the latest River news. River started preschool a couple of weeks ago. It was surprising the big emotions of such simple event. He is not a baby anymore, even though he will forever be my baby. In fact, only Mama is allowed to call him 'my baby' still, not even Papa can get away with calling him such a thing... he is Papa's big boy. Here are some pics of his first day of preschool as well as some of his first art projects he came home with.

River, the next Bono?

2008-09-19T09:49:00.000-07:00

So. We want River to pursue anything his little heart desires, but to speak honestly... we would be thrilled if he developed a love for art or music as far as talents/passions go. Well, so far he mostly just digs on trucks, tractors, heavy machinery. He wants to be a "worker" more than anything. It is all good. He really has no interest in art yet and perhaps never will, and that is okay. But we are thrilled that he does seem love music. In fact, I think he might become something of an August Rush... or at least Bono. He can hum the melody of any song after hearing it only once and he loves to watch concerts on t.v.. There is a song by the Gorillas that is called Demon Days (River calls it "to the sun") that he will watch as many times as we will let him. Featured in the song is a really groovy gospel choir with a really cool guy directing it. River likes to think he is the director. He always gets all his instruments out and will copy everything he sees. He directs Kenny and I when to come in with the backround vocals, violin, drums, ect. and is very vocal about correcting us if we play any instrument at the wrong time. He also loves to watch U2 concert videos ("Papa's favorite music") and will watch a whole concert through, mimiking everything Bono does. He even runs to find sunglasses to wear as soon as the show starts. Here are some pics of River being Bono.

Missing Sage

2008-09-08T12:34:00.000-07:00

It feels like just yesterday Sage was moving wildly inside me (as always), itching to come out. It feels like just yesterday I was washing and folding Sage's little girl clothes, lining up her her tiny diapers on the changing table, being miserably pregnant and ready for our little girl to be here already... dreaming every night of holding her, and watching her grow with her big brother River. It seems like just yesterday Kenny was talking to her in my belly, telling her we couldn't wait for her to come. It doesn't seem like a whole year has passed since the tragic day she stopped moving inside me, the day she did come... September 7th, 2007.
It has been a surreal week. The anticipation of the one year anniversary has been overwhelming. I have been feeling suprisingly numb a lot of the time, Kenny has been struggling a lot more intensly. Dealing with the still shocking reality that Sage is not here for us to hold, and we wont be able to hold her for the rest of our earthly lives. We have survived for a year without her, but we have so many more years of living without her to endure.
Kenny and I went away for most of the weekend, to try to escape our emotions and the ever-present flashbacks of what we were doing a year ago. We tried to plan some fun things to do, to try and find some peace and quiet in the mountains. It didn't work too well, especially without River. When we picked River up Sunday afternoon I felt like I could breathe again, and didn't want to let go of him. It created a lot of anxiety in me to be so fiercly missing our child we lost and to be away from our living child as well.
As we drove through the mountains Sunday, we picked some wild flowers for Sage along the way. Sage's grave marker was installed just on Friday (after a nightmare of a week of unreal problems getting it here, I won't go into that story). We are thankful that the marker is finally here, in the right place, and feel that it perfectly reflects our tender thoughts of our sweet baby Sage. It is a horrible thing to have to bury your child and so surreal to have to choose a grave marker for your child. But at the end of that process, it is a sweet thing to have a place dedicated to the memory of your baby girl.
A little photo album of Sage: the first from an ultrasound when she was about 32 weeks, next a picture of River and I with Sage in the belly about 4 days before Sage was delivered, a picture of Sage about an hour after delivery, a pic of Sage's grave marker, and lastly... her grave decorated 1 year after her stillbirth.

RIVER GOING ON AN ADVENTURE AND FLEXING HIS STUFF

2008-07-15T16:05:00.000-07:00

So, it has been forever... or at least several months in the world wide blogger world. I don't know, writing about myself just seems to take a lot of energy. Life has been rough lately, emotions running rapid and deep. Being pregnant this time around is stripping me bare. I pray constantly and try to visualize all the lovely, peaceful things I so desperately want to be able to envision, but truth of the matter is that it is just plain hard and peace is in short supply for us right now. We are going to the temple tonight, in search of some light. I am scared and discouraged and there are too many words to explain why in this crazy internet world. But... I love my husband and my little boy. They make me smile. River is an astounding little spirit, and I feel so blessed that God gave him to us. He helps us through every day... puts light into our eyes. He asks me about 15 times a day if I am 'pappy' and constantly attacks me with loads of kisses and near-life strangling hugs. He makes me laugh when I didn't think I had it in me. So this post is dedicated to the River, the boy who never stops showing those dimples.

My Man's Day

2008-03-26T11:26:00.000-07:00

So. It is Kenny's birthday. I love this man to no end. He knows my soul, and understands. There is not another I can say this about. He is the most respectful, intelligent, kind, interesting, sensitive, funny, strong, creative, beautiful man I know. He is a rare bird, not the normal breed of man. I am not the normal breed of female. We make sense to each other and I feel beyond grateful for this man, that he is mine and I am his. Sometimes I feel he is the only person in the world I can relate to.

Kenny has the most gentle heart. His spirit is so strong, but immensly sensitive as well. We have been married for 4 1/2 years... and have been through so much in that short time. (our long struggle on the path to marriage, the loss of my dear Dad, the unexpected pregnancy of our son, preparing to go to the temple, becoming parents, being sealed, 9 moves, the loss of our daughter)

Our sensitivity and tollerance of each other has become unwavering. We hate not being with each other and are so dependent on one another. When we fight, the whole universe feels amiss and the only thing that matters is making things right.

I want more than anything for his day to be special. This is his first birthday celebration without our daughter. The huge space in his heart that belongs to Sage is so vast and deep and, I know, is too often impossible to navigate around. The past couple of weeks have been rough and I just want so much for Kenny to feel the love amidst the deafening sadness.

I love you my dear man and am so glad that you were born and that we found each other. My world would be lost without you. For the past 6 1/2 months you have made it possible for me to breathe.

Sage

2008-03-03T13:20:00.000-08:00

Sage

My beautiful girl

I know that you are with our Father above

and with your Grandpa and Great Grandpas

I know that you are free, a butterfly

I know that eternity is real, that you are not gone from us forever

but these knowings do not stop the ache

The ache in my arms of having to let you go

The ache of my ears wanting to hear you wail

The ache in my throat constantly swallowing burning tears

The ache in my eyes when I see other baby girl smiles

The ache of my hands so wanting to dress you in beautiful colors,

not just pink

The ache of my breasts so full of milk to nourish you

The ache of my legs

walking through life without you

The ache of my heart when I look at your Papa, my greatest love

seeing his soul in such pain, longing for you– his precious daughter

When I look at your sweet brother River

and think how he would have loved and protected you always

Sage

When your strong legs stopped moving inside me

when your sweet heart became still

the pain nearly swallowed me whole

I thought I could not breathe

When I held your body in my arms and kissed your perfect face

I prayed for you to move

Saying goodbye to you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done

We will hold you again one day

and we will be able to look into your eyes

and feel your breath on our face

Until then

We will never stop aching for you

Our beautiful girl

I’ll love you forever, Mama

Maia

2008-03-03T09:55:00.000-08:00

Introducing... Maia. I cannot believe we found such a wonderful dog! She is about a year old. House trained, obedient, sweet, affectionate.. she is pretty chill but playful as well. She is clean and hardly sheds which is awesome, seeing as we have the touch of the neat freak in us. She was neglected and mistreated as a pup, but was rescued and has been in a loving foster home for the last couple of months. It feels so nice to adopt an animal, no puppy pimping for us! She is beautiful and we love her. River is a little bit allergic though, mostly just when he touches his face to her.. he breaks out a bit. Any suggestions? They love each other so much and play so well together, we cannot give her up. The rash doesn't seem to bother him too much but we need to find some kind of solution, I don't like seeing my boy with red bumps on his face.

Hello Crazy Bloggers!

2008-03-03T09:22:00.000-08:00

Hey Folks, Cammie here... I am just a gal looking to find the love in this world. I am Kenny's woman and River and Sage's mama.
Some random words: I love nature, the landscape around us. I particulary love the landscape of the Pacific Northwest. I love rain, I love green, I love rivers and lakes and mostly, fresh air. Seattle is the home of my soul. I currently live in Utah but look forward to the day I will call Washington my home again.
I love creating... art, writing, a happy home. Music is a passion for me and even though I am not too great at making it, I love listening to it... feeling it. Ani Difranco is the King of my musical world, has been since I was 14 and I think she is a brilliant and beautiful music maker.
My husband is my soul mate in ever sense of the term. He is not into watching sports or playing video games and I am not into makeup, shopping or scrapbooking... we like it this way. We are connected in just about every way and I am blessed.
River is the light of our lives, the happiest boy in the world... he is beautiful and we thank God for him and for each other every day. Our little girl, Sage, was stillborn on September 7, 2007 at 37 1/2 weeks because of a 'cord accident'. This is the devastation of our enire world. Not a second goes by that we do not ache to hold her.
I am a member of the LDS church and love the Gospel of Jesus Christ! I always want to live more like Jesus did... with humility, love, compassion and an open, accepting mind.
I love my family! I have a beautiful Mama, 4 georgeous older sisters and a rockin rad little bro named Grant. My father, Grant, passed away 4 years ago and he was the wisest, oddest and most humble man I've known. I miss him dearly and it is my greatest ambition to live a good life so that I will live with him and my little girl again.
Other than that... I just want to live a simple, peaceful, aware life and do my part to make the world green and clean. I want to hike more and take more bike rides. And Barack Obama better win the Democratic nomination... or else... Canada, here we come. Oh, and I want to surf and learn to play the drums!